iPhone 12 Pro

Yeah, I’m late to the game. Y’wanna fight about it?

Look at this horror. Who designed the cameras? H.P. Lovecraft? Is this a spider? (iPhone 12 Pro)

Yeah, so this piece of crap is the iPhone 12 Pro from Apple. As you can see, I don’t actually own the damn thing because it’s too freakin’ expensive for plebeians like myself. Seriously, $1,000 USD? That’s about half what I spent on my last used car! And whaddya get for your thousand-plus dollars? A skinny little brick with iOS14 running on 5G networks. I mean, who wants that?

Sure, the basic model’s got a 6.06″ Display with 460 ppi. I mean, that’s a nice screen, right? Real hi-res, like those fancy gaming monitors. TOO BAD THE PHONE’S SO FREAKING SMALL YOU CAN’T APPRECIATE IT. Seriously, whaddya gonna do, bust out some reading glasses? Stick it in front of a giant magnifying glass? I mean, yeah, the A14 Bionic chip is fast as hell. Could be good for a game or two. So I guess it’s got that going for it.

But come on! That’s a lotta cash to drop on a phone! You’re just gonna drop the damn thing and break the glass or crack the bezel or something. Sure, they made it outta space shuttle pieces. But how tough can it be? I mean, ya got those people up on TikTok hanging out in trees or on top of buildings. Phone ain’t gonna survive that, right?

Okay okay, so what else can I say about this thing. It still does that wireless charging crap. So ya don’t gotta fiddle with the LIGHTNING CABLE. What’s that? Did I say Lightning cable? I sure as hell did! This thing comes with a Lightning to USB-C cable – because OF COURSE Apple can’t just get with an industry standard. Still gotta do that proprietary crap. But hey, there’s a buncha magnetic things to stick on your phone to charge it. Screw that cable!

Now let’s talk about them creepy spider eyes on the back of the phone. The cameras. So it’s got a telephoto camera. And a wide angle. And an ultra-wide angle. And they all work with the night-mode features. What’s that mean? THIS THING CAN SEE YOU IN THE DARK. Seriously, who invited Q from the James Bond movies to build this thing? That’s some serious spy gear! And it has enhanced AR (Augmented Reality) features to make your life all cyber-y, like some Matrix crap. Like those Snapchat Filters that change your face into cartoons.

So what’s the KAUSTIC KAT opinion on this thing?

  • It’s a brick that can survive a 9-foot drop with a crack in the back, so it’s a good self-defense item
  • It’s got fancy spy cameras that look like they belong to one of Cthulhu’s minions
  • It can do a lot, but it’s still a cell phone, so good luck seeing it.
  • MagSafe wireless charging is cool, but they still give you a crappy Lightning port.

Final word: If you’re Jeff Bezos or Mark Zuckerberg, feel free to shell out for this thing with the spare change you leave on your dresser. If you’re a normal person with fancy tastes, there are payment plans and trade-ins available. If you’re poor folk like me, take the Sour Grapes approach and buy something in your budget because that money is a month’s rent.